Jurassic Baby

I am 79% sure that I watched the Jurassic series too many times while pregnant.

I say this because I am 100% sure that I birthed a blue-eyed, ginger, velociraptor.

So basically all of my wildest dreams have come true.

Every day there comes a time that photographers call golden hour and Kai calls I’m-going-to-sleep-just-kidding-I-want-to-hang-out-and-I’m-exhausted. It’s usually at this point that I wave the white flag and we hang out in his crib in my naive hope that simply by being in bed AND chilling with his mama, Bilbo Baggins will want to fall asleep.

The other day, bubba and I were hanging out in his crib. It’s a great place to be. His dockatot makes it basically the most comfortable bed in the house. Which is the other reason I was in there too. Let’s be honest, his bed is worth more than ours haha both in perceived and actual value (parent life). So we’re hanging out and he decides that he’s over being contained.

This next part is not an exaggeration and has not been embellished AT ALL.

My little dinosaur reaches for the crib slat closest to him and kind of bangs at it with his hand. Nothing happens. He then launches himself at it with his head. Please note that I have the world’s slowest reflexes which is probably why my parents encouraged me to learn  how to play golf as a kid and not anything where anybody moved or had to react to a ball.

Ok so he decides the first slat isn’t going anywhere and, too quickly for me, taps the next one with his head. This child systematically and methodically moved down every slat of his crib from one end to the other. I swear I could see in his eyes that he was going to find a weakness in the wall. At the end when he still hadn’t found one, he rolled over and looked at me with his soul searching eyes that I swear said ‘ummm.. why am I doing all the work here. We both know you know how to get out of here.’

I give you velociraptor example one.

This is a pajama shirt and when he wears it, his little old man belly peeks out and I love it.

Velociraptor example two.

Bubs has this  soother that has a stuffed animal attached to it. It’s a tiger which is why we sometimes use this 🐯 when we’re texting about him.  Since our kid is a savage, he chews on the tiger legs rather than using the pacifier part. He’s done this pretty much since newborn status. The other day, we’re hanging out in the crib again, HA. This happened:

Just call me Chris Pratt.

 

 

HEYOOOO

3 years ago, Joey and I moved to China. Today, my facebook showed me a memory of the first blog post I wrote about that crazy adventure. I loved writing that blog but I let these haters.who.were.gonna.hate get to me and I stopped before Christmas 2013. It was so great reading back through those memories so I decided screw the haters, I’M BACK.

Here’s the deal. We now have a baby. He’s frickin amazing. I want to be able to look back one day and remember what these days looked like for us. This go around I’m going to try and have thicker skin and drink more water haha.

We have a kid.

He likes to do funny things like talk really loudly in his mama’s ear when he’s exhausted and then refuse to go to sleep HA. My mom always says, ‘oh I remember when you were like that.’ So all those little ‘You’ll have a kid just like you’ things are true. I am forewarned.

When he’s asleep, he just lies there with those little baby turtle cheeks and I just stare at him. When I said I wanted to remember these days, I forgot that most of my day is spent in wonder at life. Not much gets done around here.

This past week we went to the beach. Homeboy equal parts enjoyed and not enjoyed it. Unfortunately he came back with a heat rash but we did find out that he loves the shower and stuffing sand in his mouth so victories people.

He is truly a child of his generation. He already knows how to hang up on his grandparents while facetiming (not a word apparently) and he looks very confusedly at the phone when he can hear his dad but can’t see him. Then he’ll yell this ‘bo, bah, bah, bleh, mAAAAAAA’ while furrowing his brows and looking from me to the phone. Wonder kid I tell you.

He woke up this morning at 5am because he wanted to go running with his dad. I put the kibosh on that and then he refused to fall asleep for a nap until 8am as payback. I’m using the time to blog haha and shovel food into me because the world’s slowest eater has become the world’s fastest eater in the space of 6 months.

Till 3 years from now,

mAAAAAAAAAA

They YEARNED For Him

We spent our Friday night watching Christmas classics and taking Personality Tests because the pollution outside was no. freaking. lie. 231 units of something not good. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, Home Alone 2 – important no?

We ‘knew’ HA going into this Chinese experience that there is pollution in China. We did not know what that meant. Basically it means that if the quality is close or over 200 – we both experience at least one of the following symptoms:  nausea, nose, throat and lung burn, chest pain. The solution is to stay inside which really is sad but vital when it gets really bad. The terrible thing is that the air quality in Dongguan is so much cleaner than up north in cities like Beijing. I cannot even imagine what the air must taste like there haha. I hope you were able to read the article this article is talking about. Unfortunately the first article has since been deleted.

RABBIT TRAIL.

Personality tests. First of all, go take it right now. Second of all, this test is weirdly accurate. It is only 4 questions and will literally take you less than 5 minutes. Try and guess which type is who’s hahahahhaha.

The Groundbreaking Thinker

The Sensitive Doer

This piece of art is on repeat in my classroom, in my house, in my head.

Echoing Their Joyous Strains

Casanova’s boo inspires some very strong reactions in the hearts of the baby gentlemen that abound in my class. She is frequently unwittingly at the centre of many many disagreements and chases. I have personally witnessed Casanova put a letter in her classroom mailbox every single day since December 1^st. I will catch this sly move on video at some point I promise.

Last week, a new beau on the scene decided to come to her rescue after I asked her to collect her classmates’ pencils. One of her other admirers would. not. give her the pencil as asked. New beau, hereafter referred to as Sylvester Stallone, witnessed this exchange and decided absolutely no one could treat Baby that way. If this were a movie, he would’ve, came close to, oh how I wish this had actually happened, shouted NOBODY PUTS BABY IN A CORNER.

Instead of making my dreams come true, he went Sylvester Stallone style on the other boy and grabbed reached for his throat. When I say he went Sylvester Stallone what I really mean is that he literally flew across the classroom. I’m not sure if his feet ever actually touched the floor in his quest for justice.

This is my reality.

I cannot speak as to his intent. I can however say that Stallone is much quicker than I am and I need to work on my reaction times. Also please dear God give me the ability to witness these situations one half a second faster than they actually happen so that I can either get a good seat and grab some popcorn or be there to put the kibosh on them and LAY DOWN KINDERGARTEN LAW.

Baby? She just went right along with her bidzness.

China is aging me.

All my little elves ‘hard at work’.

Tell me you have seen this video.

Be moved by the Joy and Hope of Christmas this year.

Be changed by the straight glory of God.

Let Her Go

 

 

Grocery shopping on Saturday morning.

At Stanley Plaza in Hong Kong there is a New York Fries. Surprise #1. 

 

 

“I refuse to have my first experience eating actual Poutine in Hong Kong.”

 

I love Hong Kong.

Walking up to the Big Bhudda was the weirdest thing. So many people kept stopping to bow and pray every few steps. Inside the bottom of the Bhudda is this shrine. There are some places on earth that feel oppressive. To me, this was one of those places. 

 

If you made it all the way here… today (I won’t say where) I broke up a fight that involved attempted strangling. I also won’t say what the ages were of the people involved. Sometimes my life is more exciting than I give it credit for.

Sidenote: the new Hunger Games movie is am-az-ing. go. see. it.

Let Her Go – Passenger

 

For When You Drift Off

That time I realized that the reason these cookies tasted so bad were not the greatest because I was, have been using, have never not used salted butter.

That time the woman shouted at me in Chinese while on the subway and then SAT. IN. MY. LAP. I think she wanted me to move but since my Chinese is limited at best, I guess sitting on me was the most effective way to reach her goal. Can’t blame her for her problem solving skills.

That time we found an English channel at our favorite foot massage place. So far we’ve watched a British sweet houses show, America’s Got Talent, and golf on a Sunday afternoon. Golf induced naps on a Sunday afternoon are awesome. Golf and foot massage induced naps on a Sunday afternoon probably cannot be beat.

That time Casanova handed in a worksheet that had a map to the house where he and his shawty-boo will live in the future. He did label it so due credit was received. Cutest? Yes.

That time this happened:

That time Joey was an All Black for Halloween and I was accidentally a thugged out elephant missing her mask:

Don’t worry. We all know who won this costume contest..

THAT TIME IT WAS THE WEEKENDDDDDD! 

To get your weekend started. 

 

Nobody Said It Was Easy

 

Our sight word in class today was ‘my’. After reviewing the definition of ‘my’ and giving a few sentences as examples of how to use ‘my’, I asked my class to give me some examples.

‘I like to play with my friends.’

‘I like my toys.’

‘I like when to share my toys.’

And then the conversation took a nose dive into… FOOD! We are obsessed.

‘I like pizza.’ – this sentence makes an appearance at least once a class.

‘I like cake.’

‘I like cookies.’

Ok class, lets bring it back – sentences that have ‘my’ in them.

‘Miss Ana, you are my.’

My what? My teacher? 

No. Mine.

Ok. I am your teacher. New student please?

‘I’m going to marry Katie.*’

Katie: ‘No, you’re not.’

Husband-to-be: ‘Yes I am. You are my wife.’

Cue foot stomping and face covering from Wife-to-be while Mr. Husband-to-be smiles proudly.

Husband-to-be: ‘I heard a story about a man who had seven wives.’

Wife-to-be: ‘NO!!! Only one wife for you mister.’

Student tired of this conversation: ‘I LIKE MY PIZZA.’

I’m going to count this as a win.

Conversationally fluent we are not.

Just another day in the life.

*Name changed.

Have you seen this video?

You’re Going to Hear Me Roar

So I stopped writing for awhile. HEY! I always miss this little blog buddy when I don’t write buttt I have a hard time coming up with things to say when I’m sad. Which… We live in China and work is so much harder than I ever thought it would be and we are both in bed at 7:30pm on this ugly Monday night because we are LAME and that is a depressing picture and sometimes I just get sad alright? These past couple of weeks have been a roller coaster. And not a very fast one either. I think I am riding the world’s worst, slowest, most hilly, head banging roller coaster ever.

Obsessions lately.

My kids are OBSESSED (all capitals and italics and bolds needed) with this song.

The rule is that there is no music if they’re talking so they’ve taken to shushing each other so that they can hear this song. I lie. This only applies to half the class. The other half of the class cannot get enough of this song.

I might start allowing them to talk through this one though. There are only so many times in one day that I can take it. Also I need to film them dancing bc it might be the cutest thing they’ve ever done in my class.

We got a package from Joey’s mom and it was totally Christmas in October. The box smelled like America. Glorious, sweet, fat America. The goods included Chicfila sauce, Chicfila Honey Mustard BBQ, gummy worms, laffy taffy, cowtails, 2 bags of candy corn, shirts made of Modal and my favorite kind of mascara and eyeliner. I know you’re judging. That’s ok. Every time I walk past the gummy worms, I smile and eat some candy corn. We are all kinds of weird over here and we are conquering one type of candy at a time. And yes, we’ve eaten Chicfila sauce with every meal. Sidenote: Joey gave our ayi a cowtail and she bit into it, smacked her lips a bunch of times and said ‘How, how, how, how, how, how’ really fast. How means good. It made us laugh so hard.

I feel it is my civic duty to make sure that you know what Modal is. It is literally the softest fabric you can wear. In case you need some inspiration…

One of my friends, slash also the girl who taught me how to lesson plan – invaluable right? I am very well aware that lesson planning should probably be learnt prior to teaching but you know me. I do things the most difficult way possible. Yea. Good thing I teach a total of 8 steps from her bc she is one of a few sane to my not sane (Remember how I married Joey and also how we conned two of our besties into moving to China with us). ANYWAYS. She went to the Land of Milk and Honey this past week and she brought me back this piece of Target goodness. If you know me at all, you know I buy a ton of workout clothes and consequently this is all I wear – this sports bra comes very recommended ladies. I hope you people understand that in order to get that link, I had to go to the Target website and now I am finding it very difficult to leave.

I leave you with this heart melting picture.

 

The ‘Hawaii of China’

One of the best things* about working for an international school is that we celebrate all the holidays. All of them. The first week of October was National Holiday in China. I wikied that jank and found out that the ‘People’s Republic of China was founded on October 1, 1949 in Tiananmen Square.’ (Wikipedia, 2013) Prior to this, I had no idea that the PRC is only 60-something years old – thank you wiki and chrome. The week after October 1 is the one of two Golden Weeks. I’m not sure when the other Golden Week is but I will find out. Hopefully through the experience of being off for it.

Super Typhoon Usagi

For our Golden Week, we went to Hong Kong for a day and then flew to Sanya. Sanya was described as and I quote ‘the Hawaii of China’. As I have never been to Hawaii, I can’t entirely speak to this, but I will definitely agree that it is still China. My expectations and I need to have a serious discussion.

We stayed at a hotel that was 30 seconds away from the public beach access and 30 seconds away from the restaurant we hit up 5 times in the 3 days we were there. If you ever find yourself in Sanya, I would recommend staying somewhere that has a private beach. Consider yourself forewarned. Otherwise you will see more mankinis being ogled by locals in pants and long sleeve shirts than you thought were currently being produced in the world.

I’m just going to come right out and say it. Sanya is overwhelmed with Russians. In other words, the locals see so many Russians that they speak fluent Mandarin, fluent Russian, and 2 words of English – FOOOOOOT MASSSSSSSAGE. Since those were the only 2 words we needed to hear, it worked out well. We met one man who approached us with a flyer and started speaking in Mandarin. We said ‘ting bu dawn’ (I hear you, but I don’t understand what you’re saying) and he immediately switched into Russian. We said ‘American’ and he again, immediately switched into English. So impressive right? The sad thing is, in the States he could get a killer job knowing all those languages – in China, he sells foot massages.

and we also got hand massages…

Foot massages are becoming quite the theme on this here blog. Because I am obsessed. In Sanya, we got foot massages 2? 3? of the 3 days we were there. I can’t remember because it was all bliss and cost $6.56 USD. The last time we were there, they brought out some Russian candy for us and um, it was delicious. No lie. Those people know how to make some chocolate.

Joey went to get milk for his cereal and it was all hot.

 Things we learned about Russians while on vacation in China:

–       they prefer the least amount of clothing on the beach but layer up when walking back to the hotel (I’m talking straight banana hammocks and then putting on board shorts and robes to walk back)

–       they like foot massages too

Leaving Sanya

*You and I both know that when I said ‘one of the best’, I really meant ‘the greatest thing to have ever happened to my professional life’.

What we’re listening to in the classroom.

Bad Boy

 

Ok so while we were in Hong Kong, we stayed in Causeway Bay. The hotel we stayed at was less than a half a mile from the metro and surrounded by cute little French restaurants. As I do not entirely / at all know any of the history of Hong Kong, this slightly confused me but I am sure there’s a reason and I will look it up immediately. Sidenote: we fully enjoyed our hotel and if you’re ever in Hong Kong – its one of those places I would stay at again. Ok. Back. So the Empire Hotel is surrounded by little French restaurants that always seemed to be closed. (Why on earth do you post pictures of beautiful waffles and delicious menus and then are only open between the hours of 2-5pm? The logic astounds me.) 

Right outside of the Tin Hau metro station on Hong Kong Island

Ok. The hotel is also surrounded by foot massage places.  And full circle. Because we were on vacation and because we live in China, we decided to get foot massages after a verrry long day of walking all over HK. I don’t have to justify this to you. A at max $15 foot massage is something I have looked forward to since last November when we were talking about moving here. I don’t have to justify that to you either. I also should not have to explain why we waited so long to try the foot massage thing.

On our post amazing Italian dinner coma quest, we tried to find a spa that would take all 4 of us at the same time. Spa is loosely used in this context. We finally walked into a place that told us to wait a little bit and then we could get the massages. My friend asked to use the bathroom while we were waiting and the lady said “sure no problem you just have to wait, somebody is taking a shower. “ Ok… Friend goes to the bathroom, all is as well as things can be here. On my way to the bathroom, I glanced in a room and witnessed a half naked man putting his clothes on/stretching. Things you never want to witness. Fast forward 5 minutes, the naked man walked out wearing a bedazzled shirt that said in rhinestones ‘Bad Boy’ and carrying a leather man fanny pack.

Not one single line of this is a lie. I tried to take a picture but I think he knew we were enamored/astounded/confused by his shirt because he kept covering it with his hand.

When in Asia…