And When The Beat Comes

I don’t know how many of you have the privilege of knowing my Mom. If you have never met her, I’m sad for you. She is an incredible lady. Both incredible and a lady. Lest I write myself into a meltdown, let’s get back to the point.

So my mom, the incredible lady, is also a phenomenal chef. I say chef because I’m her daughter and I live in China and she’s not here to make me change it. Baha, I would like to think that she and I are alike but she is much much more gracious, kind, funny, lovely, and sassy than I am.

Focus Ana. This is ridiculous.

A major difference between my mom and I is I am both naive, impetuous and slightly over confident in my cooking abilities. How come palates are not genetic? Ok I wouldn’t say over confident. More, I will try to make anything one time. Then I get extremely discouraged because my food is not the beautiful works of art I grew up with and quit. (hello fault o’ mine).

So. In my over zealousness I asked my mom to send me recipes for 2 of my favorite things she makes.

1. Biscuits

2. Tortilla de patatas. (Not yet attempted – I have to build up my courage first).

As of today I have attempted the biscuits one time. They ended up looking like fat pancakes. Like little baby hippo pancakes. Which let’s be honest. There is not one single sad person here about the fact that the biscuits looked like fat little baby animals. Do you know me at all? I’ve decided the quintessential biscuit shape is over rated.

How much does it cost me to bake in China?

1 normal sized bag of flour – 29RMB = $4.73USD

1 cup of butter – 17RMB = $2.78USD

Cornstarch – 35RMB = $5.71USD

Chocolate Chips – 55RMB = $8.98USD

Salt (one of those big pouring containers – do not blame me for your lack of mental picture on this one) – 25RMB = $4.08USD

Yeast (500g of the instant kind) – 39RMB = $6.37USD

2 lbs of White Sugar – 19RMB = $3.10USD

1 lb of Brown Sugar – 10 RMB = $1.63

Baking Powder – 29RMB = $4.73

If I was a true cook than I would know what is missing from this list.

Since I am not, here’s an iphone picture of chocolate chunk cookies I made from this site today.

For the record, these are not as good as I expected them to be and I take full responsibility for this fact.

Lets bring it full circle. When I grow up, I want to be like my mom. Otherwise my poor babies are going to be malnourished, spastic, and have no idea what good food is unless Mama Lu comes to visit.

In other news, today I witnessed a woman pop a squat on the side of the road and do her business. New firsts every day.

Today’s title brought to you by Ben Rector – The Beat. (hello obsessed).

It Takes Some Words to Make an Action

There are a lot of words that I could use to describe our first massage experience in China.

There are also pictures which might more clearly demonstrate the situation. 

Words you should learn in Chinese before you go to get a massage.

AHHHHHHHHH OWWWWW
Stop.

Please stop beating me.

That hurts.

That hurts too.

What is that sound. Please don’t put whatever is making that sound on my back.

When I asked for an hour long massage what I really meant was an hour long back rub please.

Why are you so strong?

Please do not bring your boss in to beat me too.

Please do not use your elbows. They are razor sharp.

Please stop manhandling my husband.

Dinosaur bone viewing is free just this one time.

These pictures were taken IMMEDIATELY after the massage was done. The bruises lasted for… a while.

 Today’s title brought to you by Jason Mraz – Life is Wonderful

Road Full of Promise

Today’s post is motivated by the Avett Brothers – Head Full of Doubts, Road Full of Promise

 

WE BOUGHT BIKES!!!!

This story opens once upon a time, one super typhoon Usagi induced Monday off school ago. It began with taking 20 minutes to get to the store that is 5 minutes away due to taxi drivers who enjoy being self proclaimed city tour guides. Don’t worry, we are starting Chinese lessons in 2 weeks.

I had expected that when we arrived at the store, we would saunter on in, pick out bikes, pay, and swagger out. Bahaha… see how I haven’t learned any lessons on expectations? It kind of took a while to actually pick out bikes and find somebody to play charades with.

Due to the genius that is Google Translate we were able to communicate that we wanted to BUY BIKES DANGIT. And please bring out other colors. Oh! Mayo ching chong bing bong? I’m going to take that to mean ‘Don’t have any other colors.’ Ok. It is what it freaking is. Google Translate – I will not make you translate freaking. Calm down. Your freakouts are using up all of my battery.

We were directed to take our neon bikes to the baby section to check out. At the baby section we realized that only one of our bikes had a barcode.

Barcode is an excellent charades suggestion.

Somehow we were able to understand that one cannot just buy a neon bike without a barcode. This became evident when the cashier would not take the money I kept trying to throw at her so we could just ride away. Hysteria may or may not have made an appearance at this point.

After being paraded through the whole store on our way to checkout at the worlds farthest away cashier,  f i n a l l y we left the store and 10 seconds later, the peddle on Joey’s bike fell off. The people in the store didn’t ask any questions, just hammered that dang peddle right back on that thurr bike.

Don’t get between this man and his ketchup.

We had lunch at Burger King because there is something about American fast food that is so freaking good. Sidenote: I’m pretty sure McDonalds drugs their fries in China as well.

On our way home, Joey’s peddle fell off again. By on our way home I mean, directly after we left Burger King. Sometimes the MacGuyver method isn’t the most … permanent?

One quick pit stop to this bike shop that has some of the best customer service I’ve ever seen, and we were off!

It only took us 5 hours to complete this one task. And that my friends, is a victory.

This whirlwind of a day brought to you by the freedom that is not having to wait for a cab. And America.

 

 

 

Some Nights I Stay Up..*

One of the best parts to us of living in China is how active we have become. A lot of this has to do with the nature of our jobs. There is not a whole lot of time to be sitting as a teacher.  Joey is a P.E. teacher so obvi… This is quite the change from our desk jobs.

Outside of work we’ve found that the times where we feel the least like we are in China is when we are at one of the many parks in Dongguan. This week we were off on Thursday for Mid-Autumn festival. The guys went to this place called the Croc Park but it is also known as ‘The Greatest Place on Earth.’ Another post for another day.

The girls did a 12 mile bike ride around this amazing park so close to our apartments. It was such a great feeling to breathe in fresh, clean air. Is it possible to feel like you actually don’t live in China occasionally? If you surround yourself with vegetation, yes. Better than that even, it makes China beautiful to me.

Yesterday we walked ie climbed a bajillion stairs to this place called the Red Lantern. The Red Lantern looks out over the city of Dongguan and when we got there the sun was setting. Beautiful. We both came home definitely tired but seriously loving our evening. Friends and clean air and heart pumping exercise? Sounds so normal.

Love living this adventure with this man!

* Today’s title brought to you by the song currently stuck in my head.

* this word is brought to you by my friendship with 2 of the greatest people you will ever meet who are from an island called Tangier.

The One, The Only

JOEY MIDDLETON!

ITS JOEY TIME

– we’re planning a Europe trip to Christmas. We will be spending 5 maybe more days snowboarding in the Swiss Alps. Joey is secretly and unsecretly beside himself with excitement. I am buying a neck brace for myself.

– Joey’s kids LOVE him. Today we were walking and i heard OH! Mr. JOEY!! and all 3 kids bowed to him with huge smiles on their faces.

– Joey is the Sean T of his school and is writing some awesome programs for his ‘advanced P.E./fitness’ class. Proud and impressed wife.

– Joey coaches the soccer team with one of our friends and they tied their first game last week? 2 weeks ago? Given that they were expecting to be completely dominated by the other team, I’m considering it a ‘win’.

– Home game this Wednesday!

– This incredible man went grocery shopping on Thursday and came home with Peanut Butter, Tostitos, 2 packages of gnocchi and bbq and salt & vinegar lays stacks. The man absolutely knows the way to my heart. I’m sorry you’ve never had gnocchi? What is wrong with you?

– Joey is still teaching the computer class at his school. We laugh about this approximately every day.

Back to Reality, OH There Goes Gravity

Oh my post titles don’t make any sense to you either? Glad I’m not the only one. (The next post I write/have written is a Joey update so please come back).

I can’t lie. I’ve been avoiding this little place on the interweb. I sometimes don’t know what words to use to entirely and effectively capture exactly what it is that we experience in China on a daily basis. Part of this is because there may not be English words that totally grasp Chinese culture and also because my Chinglish is mostly (all) English. We have good and bad days living in this world that is so alien to us. Some days it feels like there have only been bad days for weeks haha. How small our perspective gets when we allow ourselves to be smothered in the d i f f i c u l t nuances of daily life eh?

I don’t know if you’ve heard of emotional rollercoasters? My name is Ana Middleton and I am a permanent resident. (hello, not pregnant fyi – I know you were thinking it)

Today was the single best day I have had at school. Really though, today I had time to spend with each one of my kids and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. Alsoooo, I introduced my kids to George Winston during morning quiet time and THEY ASKED to listen to him throughout the day. This music soothes my soul. I know it is wayyyyy too early for Christmas music (but is it really? I SUBMIT NO JOEY MIDDLETON) but you haveto/needto/cannotgoanylonger without listening to his version of Carol of the Bells. Also Thanksgiving. Run to youtube I beg of you.

Fridays are sweet because we have a school wide assembly in the morning and every other Friday we go swimming with the other kindergarten class and generally have a blast.  Sidenote: homework apparently does not just exist for students canigetawitness fellow teachers. AND the point of this paragraph is hello today was an awesome day at school.

This evening we went on a walk with some good people friends. Like they are good friends and they are good people and that makes them honorary family (at least in my mind – this is my blog I’LL CLAIM WHO I WANT). We followed said walk with a restaurant where we walked in and they served us free margaritas. Why yes I’ll come back every Friday. customerforlife. (see how I hashtagged without a hashtag there? I don’t know who I am anymore – somebody take away my parentheses button).

So we walk in, sit down and I look up and there in front of my eyes are the Toronto Blue Jays playing the Yankees IN THE SKYDOME. Immediately, then and now, the waterworks made a solid appearance. Literally this is what I was thinking in my head:

– Ana stop crying this is embarassing. oh you can’t control yourself? sourry. i forgot.

– all those people are all Canadian and they are all sitting together at the SKYDOME

– what is the time difference? is it toonie tuesday?

– wait. are the blue jays actually winning? God truly loves me and my broken soul

– is that an ice cap?

– why are there so many people? its a jays game.

– why am I caring about this so much right now I literally hate baseball games on tv

– look at all those happy canadian people. they’re so beautiful.

– oh thank you God, it switched to nascar so I don’t have to torture myself any longer. wait what is more ‘murican than nascar? football. thank GOD this is not football.

– it is 4 hours later. are you seriously still crying about this? yes. yes you are. PULL IT TOGETHER MAN. [name that movie]

and then the floodgates were unleashed. 

Takeaway: I should not think while crying ever.

I ordered waffle fries and chicken tenders. They were the best and first waffle fries I’ve had this side of the Atlantic, Pacific, Mediterranean Sea and Indian Ocean. Can anything ever compare to chick-fil-a? The answer you should be thinking or you should stop reading this blog immediately is no. But for real, they were on. point.

I should blog more often because I get wordy when I don’t and also when I do. TOO MANY UNRESTRAINED THOUGHTS.

You’ve made it all the way to the end? DANG. Impressed.

Please be gentle in your presumptions and judgements. Sometimes doing the absolute best that you can literally takes everything you have to give. I may presume to much in asking for grace. I’m a fallen human being saved by grace, striving, aching for, desiring, pursuing more of Him. The problem with me is there is too much of me and not enough of Him. never enough.

This is a winner.

There are MANY stories and experiences coming to this blog in the very near future.

Just wanted to let yall know we’re still alive! We made it through our first ‘both of us completely incapacitated in our marriage and in China’ sickness and it was one heck of a blast and a half. This past week is rather blurry due to the copious amounts of both dayquil and nyquil we have consumed but we’re back and this week is on like donkey freaking kong.

To celebrate health, we went to Ikea, Walmart and a true Chinese DVD store on Saturday. I think that we should change our last name to Joey and Ana We-do-not-learn-from-past-experiences Middleton. BUT OH THE SPOILS. Lets just say, we both have things we are excited about in our apartment. You all should know that Joey has excellent taste and also a very tight grasp on the concept of a budget. AND he cooked a delicious lunch today. His new name can be Joey Chickendinnerwinner Middleton. I kind of think I am alone in the ‘repeat disastrous situations over and over’ category. Good thing one of us is winning otherwise our poor kids would be destined to poor math skills, little to no thinking before you speak abilities (you know which parent this would come from), and would literally be lost their entire lives. Future Middletons – you should get a crash course in sensing directions if you ever move to China – love Big Mama.

Speaking of fevers, bird flu, Ikea and babies… There is a touch of baby fever in this family and that is not something that can be treated with Benadryl. DANG YOU absolutely adorable baby at church.

Man I love this blog. It makes me giggle to my little self. Goal achieved. I believe that earns me a point Karyl Bacon.

Much love, 

– The Nutty Professor.

Snow Angels

A few days ago, a really fuzzy and soft rug was delivered to my classroom.

You would think that it was Christmas based on the way my kids were acting.

Let me explain it this way – every time that we come back into our classroom, the kids will RUN to the rug, KNEE SCOOT across it and then (maybe) go sit down. Sometimes they’ll run at it and then knee slide across it like they just scored the winning goal in the Stanley Cup Game 7.

Hold that mental picture in your head. Moving on.

Yesterday I had managed to settle them all down enough to read a story. Everything was going great. Kids were quiet, I was using all kinds of voices to read it and they were laughing.

I started to notice that it seemed overly quiet.

It is never a good sign when it is overly quiet. (Can I get an amen – keepers of small children?)

In front of me I had 8 children sitting so nicely with their hands in their laps, totally enthralled in the story.

Behind them – no lie – the remaining 6 were lying face.down. on the rug, making RUG ANGELS.

I’m not going to lie. There was a part of me that was impressed that they had choreographed it so that they weren’t hitting anybody. Another part of me just felt like ‘oh thank God they’re quiet!’. The last part of me evaluated the situation and felt the need to teach them how to do a real snow/rug angel so that when in their life they see snow, they won’t dive head first in because they think that’s how you make ‘em. As a Canadian, I feel it is my responsibility to give them all of the cold training I can secretly impart. They might need this one day.

I call this a true rounded out education. I just wish I could’ve been around for the dinner conversation that began with ‘so what’d you learn in school today?’

Sidenote: my kids, who do not speak English, know to say ‘yes ma’am’ when given an instruction. Small victories ladies and gents.

Second Sidenote: The offending rug in question has been removed from the classroom until further notice. 

Just Call Me Julia Child

Food. Bahahaha.

 

I managed to avoid the kitchen for 3 whole weeks.

In some circles one would call that a miracle.

In this Middleton household (not to be confused with the Kate Middleton household – hi. obsessed), we call that not quite a record.

The first meal I cooked in our Chinese kitchen was pasta and a side of pear-apple slices.

You don’t know what a pear-apple-thing is? It is maybe top 3 favorite fruits I’ve ever had. Ok that’s rushing things. Maybe top 10.

It is a perfectly delectable cross between a pear and an apple. It has the consistency of an apple, tastes like a pear and is juicy like a watermelon.

Anyways. Back to the point that doesn’t exist. After finally figuring out how to turn on the gas stove top burner and putting in the noodles, I approached the sauce. 

Opening a can is much more difficult than it seems. (nope).

Being the very optimistic version of myself that I choose to be sometimes, I decided that I could and would spice things up a bit.

So…. I decided to dump an Italian spice packet into my little pot of pasta sauce. What I failed to realize (because I can’t read Chinese) was that the packet was a year supply of Italian spices. Apparently I also can’t gauge size with my eyes J

Spicy pasta sauce – good

Overly spiced pasta sauce – not so good.

The good thing is that I have the best husband and he told me ‘dinner was good’. Between you and me – that’s true love right thurr

Oh you think this post is disjointed? School has a way of doing that to me. Sorry not sorry.

Wins and Losses

Well aren’t you so lucky.

I give you ….

A post full of terrible (non-existent) sentence structure and iphone pictures.

Victories 

– Joey’s first soccer junior varsity practice went well! There are some athletic kids on the team! Major win right hurr.

–       The kid in my class who doesn’t know my name had a lightbulb moment today and said ‘Miss Ana?’ Brought a smile to my face. –       Olympus Has Fallen: incredible movie. ‘murica

–       Made dinner for the second night in a row. This is something we in the Middleton household like to call a phenomenon. (Chicken, sauteed potatoes and onions, corn on the cob and grapes – We’re living big here peeps!)

–       Got the living room curtains up!

– You know those little coca cola jellies? They have them in China and they are delicious.

–       3 scrapes in school today.

– Butter made in the U.S.A.

Fails

–       Made dinner but due to circumstances beyond Joey’s control, he was home an hour and a half past the norm. This in and of itself is not a fail. The fact that we don’t have a microwave is a fail haha.

– Herb Jelly

–       We have lost all of our umbrellas as of yesterday. So far we’ve been caught in the rain 3 times.

–       Got 3 of the 4 living room curtains up macgyver style. Not too sure how long they will stay up there.

–       Manicure I got on Saturday night is now chipped. Somehow I thought that the way I apparently treat my finger nails would change in China. Nope.

–       3 scrapes in school today.

–       Eating butter made in the U.S.A. when you are lactose intolerant because you sometimes forget you are lactose intolerant. (On corn on the cob fatties – gosh. We don’t eat just straight butter. Although we might be tempted because it was made in the U.S.A. New (eat everything familiar) habits die hard.)

The End.